Should I Be Spying On My Kids Online?
Managing screen time when our kids are little is definitely a pain in the butt and a bit of a slog, but on the bright side, we basically have complete control.
Cut to middle school.
All of the sudden our kids are spending way more time online - outside of our homes or in their bedrooms - and much of our control goes out the window. For some parents, the anxiety of not knowing what the kids are doing online is too overwhelming, and this is where the desire to spy on them kicks in.
Whether parents should be able to see every move their child makes online, every conversation and every exploration is a topic of much debate. Of course, all parents want to keep their kids safe and we all know that the online world is filled with potential land mines, but how do we know where the line is between protecting our kids and overstepping our bounds?
As a parent of a tween myself, I often go round and round in my own head looking at the pros and cons of spying. So for this post, I thought I’d explore both sides of the argument and let you know where I’ve landed.
Let’s start with the argument for why spying on our kids makes sense.
The online world was not created with children in mind, and yet our kids have almost completely unfettered access to anything they want to see. Yes, they may need to jump through some hoops to get past restrictions, but if they really want to see something, they’ll find a way. This can be anything from pornography to violence to offensive content or ways to purchase drugs.
As parents it makes sense that we’d like to create some friction here and hit the breaks for our kids when they can’t do it themselves. If we read their texts, look at their browsing histories and rifle through their various apps we may be able to catch something dangerous before it harms them.
Parents who spy on their kids’ online life often give the argument that they’d rather piss off their kid, than miss the opportunity to stop them from overdosing on drugs or sending a nude pic. This argument speaks to our worst fears as parents and makes the most sense to me as a reason to keep a watchful eye on our kids’ movements online.
But then I think about a few things which take me to the flip side of why spying might not be the best idea…
The first thing that comes to mind is how many things I did as a teenager that my parents would have completely freaked out about. Pretty much every weekend I was out doing whatever it was I wanted to do and they knew nothing about it. Much of it was “against the rules” or even dangerous, but pushing those boundaries is how I learned my limits. On the few occasions that I went too far and they sensed something was amiss my parents simply sat me down and talked to me. And you know what? I really appreciated it. Sometimes as a teenager you do get in over your head - most of the time you find your way out, but knowing that your parents are paying attention and intervening when needed is a relief.
The next thing I think about are all the fascinating statistics that show that teenagers today are far less likely to do drugs, have sex much later and spend more time with their parents that we did when we were their age.
According to a study conducted by San Diego State University psychology professor Jean Twenge and her colleague Heejung Park which tracked the Center for Disease Control’s The Youth Risk Behavior Survey Data Summary & Trends Report between 1976 - 2017, they found that “fewer adolescents in recent years engaged in adult activities such as having sex, dating, drinking alcohol, working for pay, going out without their parents, and driving.”
Much of this shift may be due to the amount of time they are spending in front of their screens instead of outside, experiencing real life - but whatever the reason, this generation is really tame compared to the previous 4 generations before them.
Still this doesn’t mean that there is nothing to worry about. Kids are spending hours upon hours online with access to a lot of information that they may not be emotionally or psychologically ready for - so how can we help them?
Let me share with you the conclusion I’ve come to…
Kids need some privacy as they get older - and this need only grows stronger as they age up (privacy needs are not the same for a 12 year old as they might be for a 17 year old). They also need autonomy and freedom in order to grow, make mistakes and individuate.
My fear about spying on kids is that it may lead to these four significant negative consequences:
Seeing every little thing your child does at an age where they are testing out their relationships, behavior and identity is going to make parents VERY anxious. Do we as parents really need to live with overwhelming anxiety about all the minutia - most of which our kids will sort out themselves?
Spying on kids will make them feel trapped and controlled. When someone feels trapped and controlled it doesn’t make them stop doing what they want to do - it makes them find sneaky ways to do it secretly.
Spying on our kids can erode trust. If there is one thing we want our kids to feel, it is that they can come to us with their questions, problems, fears and trust us to be there and help them. If they can’t trust us they’ll have to go it alone and I for one don’t want that.
What kind of an example am I setting? If I can go looking at everything they are doing all the time then I guess I’m giving them permission to do the same with their friends and significant others - that seems wrong.
So here is my hybrid solution for keeping older kids safe online
Make sure your child is actually old enough and responsible enough to have a full fledged phone. Maybe a simpler solution that spying is to set them up with a “starter” phone like Pinwheel so you don’t have to worry so much. This is particularly great for kids under 13 years old.
Do set up healthy boundaries and limits on their devices - but do it together. Discuss why time limits are important and which type of content you are trying to shield them from. This might mean restricting adult websites, taking the “news” app off the phone and limiting the amount of social media apps that they are on - at least in the beginning.
Follow your kids accounts on social media (as yourself - not a fake account) so you know what they are up to - but don’t comment. Also, understand that your child may have other accounts you don’t know about - this is very normal.
Explain to your child that while the phone is theirs to use, you are paying for it (or at least for the phone plan) and that means that if you are concerned about their wellbeing or about anything inappropriate going on you reserve the right to go in and look at their accounts to make sure they are safe. As such, your child should give you their passwords and you should agree not to use them unless you feel it is absolutely necessary.
Try to have regular curious and open conversations about these hot topics:
Their digital footprint and the consequences of their posts
What they should do if they are bullied or harassed online
What predatory behavior looks like and what to do if they get caught up in a relationship with a stranger online
What pornography is and isn’t and why it is concerning
The dangers of buying drugs online and the proliferation of lethal substances
The most important thing is to let them know that you are there for them. That while you trust them, you also know from experience that they may make mistakes with very serious consequences.
As such, the caveat to me in my “non-spying” approach is that as a parent I need to trust my instincts. If I really feel like something is amiss I will do whatever I need to - including checking their phones - to keep them safe. In the meantime though, I’d rather be a mom than Big Brother.